Kidlets Driving

My offspring can drive better than I can. It's true. The fact that they are five, seven, and ten just adds insult to injury. Now before anyone goes to report me for endangering my kidlets' lives, let me just state for the record that we are talking about playing Mario Kart on the Wii.

The fact that I have been driving for longer than they have been alive is irrelevant. My abilities behind the wheel of an actual car count for nothing. The truth of the matter is that my kidlets can kick my behind from here to kingdom come when it comes to steering cartoon vehicles on our television. Every time they attempt to race me onscreen, the conversation goes somewhat like this:

     Horse: "Okay, Mom. You're the race on the bottom." [points to a part of the television screen]
     Me: "Okay. I think I can follow that."
     Pig Jr.: "I'm in charge!" [picks the hardest race possible]
     Me: "Hey, I just fell off a cliff!"
     Horse: "Yeah, Pig Jr. picked a hard race."
     Pig Jr.: "This is fun!"
     Horse: "Mom, you can hit the plus sign to use that item you just picked up."
     Pig Jr.: "Hey, why is the game paused?"
     Me: "I hit the plus. That's what Horse told me to do."
     Horse: "No, that's the plus over there. [points] You hit something else."
     Me: "No, I hit the plus sign. You just pointed at the directional arrows. That's not the same."
     Pig Jr.: "I'm in first place!"
     Horse: "Yeah, Pig Jr.'s way ahead of you."
     Me: "Hey, what the heck just happened right there?!?"
     Horse: "Oh, yeah, Mom. You're supposed to avoid those shy guys."
     Me: "What's a shy guy?"
     Horse: "The guy who just bumped into you and knocked you off course."
     Me: "Doesn't seem very shy to me. Oops. Found another cliff."
     Pig Jr.: "I won!"
     Me: "I think I'm in last place."

I really don't understand why it is so difficult for me to mentally transfer from driving on a road to steering on a game. Granted, I am not likely to have other vehicles trying to play bumper cars with me while I'm driving down the street. A ghost is not likely to pop up and spray ink at me, thus blocking my visibility in real life. And most cliffs that I have ever seen have guard rails to prevent my plummeting over the edge when I accidentally hit a power up and go faster than expected. Then again, I don't think I've ever hit a power up in real life either.

Come to think of it, it makes perfect sense why I stink at Mario Kart. I expect other drivers to follow laws, stay in their lanes, and play nice. I do my best to stay in my own lane, drive the speed limit, and stop for yellow or red lights. This is the sort of game where erratic and illegal driving skills are actually a plus.

I guess I should be grateful I cannot compete amongst insane drivers. The fact that those animated drivers are being controlled by my offspring scares the ever-lovin' daylights out of me. I nominate their father to be the one to teach them how to drive behind the wheel of an actual, real-life vehicle. If they drive anything like they do onscreen, that's going to be the most petrifying thing we will ever experience.