Dear Mommy-to-be,
May your water break only in a location that makes it easy for someone else to clean up. And may you have someone on hand to do that task.
May your labor be long enough for your birthing partner to join you, but short enough that it doesn't seem like it will go on forever. I promise you that no birth takes forever. It just might seem like it at the time.
May you and your little one(s) remain healthy throughout your birthing experience. And if problems should arise, may the correct people be there to help you through it.
May the anesthesiologist arrive with plenty of time to spare so that you don't feel like murdering that extremely late son-of-a-motherless-goat upon his or her arrival. And if you choose to not have any medicine to help ease your pain, may you be able to relax enough that you don't tire yourself out too quickly.
May you never feel tempted to throttle the zillions of people who keep checking to see how far dilated you are.
May you have a kind and supportive group of people surrounding you. And if you send them all away from you because they are driving you crazy, may you enjoy whatever solace you are able to find.
May you be able to forget any and all birthing horror stories that well-meaning sick and twisted individuals have inflicted upon you in the weeks preceding your own delivery.
May your birthing partner not eat anything delicious in front of you while you are not allowed to eat anything more than ice chips. You have my permission to kick them out of the room for such an offense.
May no one on hand speak in a patronizing tone as if this is an everyday occurrence. Your little angel will only be born once. It's irrelevant if this is the twentieth baby they've seen enter this world since their shift started.
May you not accidentally flash an unsuspecting member of the janitorial staff. And know that if you do, you certainly weren't the first to do so, nor will you be the last.
May you need few, if any stitches. And if you should need enough that you feel you are starting to look like Frankenstein's monster, may they heal quickly, smoothly, and with little-to-no scar tissue.
May your birthing partner not pass out upon seeing the placenta. Come to think of it, let there be no passing out or panicking for any of the ickiness that is affiliated with the birth of a child. This especially holds true for your doctor or midwife.
May you have enough energy left over to hold your precious new bundle once the hard part is over.
May any hospital bills not start appearing until after your baby lets you sleep through the night regularly.
And last, but certainly not least, may the two of you have many happy, healthy years together.
May God bless you as you take this next step on this rollercoaster ride that is parenthood.
Sincerely,
Murphy Brawn
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